how to hold a narcissist accountable

Should I not be upset? Ive also had to realize that I am a classic co-dependent and always thinking we can somehow get back to the way things wereor at least how I fantasize they were. He is well known in Our small community. I will do both. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. I collected me from work, he cooked for me, he gave me massages and we enjoyed many interests together. Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. And even that can be a prolonged struggle, given their profound dependence on their victims. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. I dont know enough about your situation to give you much more advice but you can keep things on course if you do not allow yourself to be persuaded to trust him. He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. This is often referred to as "love bombing." He is becoming more unreasonable. I switched tacks and did something close to what you described. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc. It was all my fault she says because I crossed the line but she didnt do anything wrong. i am not supply anymore. I am confident, blonde and not a bad looker but boy can this man bring me to grey and confusion to any woman. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). ( but remember your children are learning this unhealthy behavior) 4 Bore them with the "gray rock" treatment. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! Avoid challenging a narcissist's opinion or point of view. I dont want my children to marry a person like him. Leaving can set of behaviour you might not be expecting and it is best if you are prepared. Absolute hell. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. For years I was unwilling for those kind of things to happen, he was accountable he did not do the blaming thing. It sounds like you have high expectations (perceived) from your partner. My learned behaviour has been over many decades so will take time but recognise also that incremental change is sustainable, so am comforted by this. He is a deeply insecure person when it comes to intimacy. My hope and prayer is that this will help others as much as it helped me. No sleep and he would keep me awake I feared sleep for a year because as soon I fell a sleep he was gonna wake me either to be sweet or to fight. As that happens they will most likely begin treating you differently and seeing that they need to earn your respect too. I still love this man. Hi Kim. I cant help but notice how many women are saying what they are doing wrong by getting angry. New phase, new job, not drinking, instead taking adder all for his ADD he became obsessed with new job working with his parentsthey can be a toxic at times. Thank you Kim. It really helps!! I held on for several more months hoping that he would come around, but he was really just waiting for me to cave. As soon as it was all over, when i questioned him, he admitted to maybe saying some things that could be taken the wrong way i.e he threw me under the bus. I think it is wise that you talk to him but also be prepared. The majority of them do not change. I have said this before but setting a boundary with a promise is like thinking you have built a fence by drawing a line and asking your horses not to cross it. But, I dont know if the good is genuine. And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. Even though he is so full of himself that he made the entire process as miserable as possible for himself and me. In my case, the steps I implemented helped me face my co-dpendency and make strides to getting out of it fairly quickly. Our whole program is about you becoming authoritive and able to take the lead effectively. Once you give them that negative attention they will hold it over your head. I am very sad at the moment because after reading these comments I now think there is no hope of happiness for my daughter who I love dearly! Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. Yes, he blamed me for ruining our relationship. Ive told him a ton of times, it takes two and there I go again pointing out the hurtful things he did. I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. Just what I have found throughout my life. I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. he of course was perfect and still is. Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. Holding narcissists ACCOUNTABLE: the DARVO method DoctorRamani 1.26M subscribers Subscribe 10K Share 174K views 2 months ago SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM:. Ana. It depends on what they are is the role he will play. Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. To hold yourself accountable, you may choose to tell a trusted friend about ending the relationship or do something too "final" to backtrack too easily on (such as signing the lease on a new apartment far away from the narcissist or blocking them on all social media channels - any step that reminds you of how far you've come and will . If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. Boundary #3: Mistreatment will not be responded to with kindness, overexplaining yourself or increased attention, but rather a withdrawal of investment, time, and energy. Over, done. Hide nothing and do the best with what you have, but never, NEVER, accept the responsibility for your Nar behaviors. Hi Kim. It will teach you step by step how to stop him turning this around on you. One new study showed that narcissists can significantly damage workplace team performance. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. During our twenty-eight years of marriage, my husbands manipulation has been very successful in keeping me from many relationships including family, both mine and his. You need to find yourself a private detective who will help you and gather information for the police on his criminal activities. Or there may be situations where there is nothing to say you simply need to stop protecting them. They wont like what you are saying, but if you show genuine concern for them and let somebody else play the bad guy, you can keep your connection at the same time as setting a boundary. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. Ive so learned that people like her are the good ones, the ones you wnat to know. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. Booyah! I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. Please consider: Narcissistic people hate it when anyone tries to hold them accountable and so attempting to make them admit their shortcomings or mistakes will only break rapport. He instantly claimed he did nothing wrong and tried to act like they were against both of us. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). 9) You had messed up your credit so much that I suggested for you to file bankruptcy to get out from under your debt and start over. I set limits and gave consequencesif this happens then this other thing will happen. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. but to ensure that I too learn from this experience and can move on to a healthier way of life either with or without him. Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. He couldnt be held accountable for what I was feeling, he had done nothing negative. My eldest is 15 and is still watched getting on and off the school bus!! When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. Thanks to all of you as well. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. Non sexual but emotional. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. Never listens to a single word I say. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. nothing worked. Great information! And me in my unrequited love stage and I am married to someone else.Long story and my wife knows about our relationship. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. Is it worth making then accountable for that? If you are still living with him you are going to need to be very strategic in figuring out how you can 100% limit the abuse.